Worry

Worried. That seems to be the word of the day/week/month/year around here these days. Worried about money, worried about our house situation, worried about the kids and the school situation, worried about the new baby's arrival, worried, worried, worried! It's enough to make anyone go crazy.

At this point in time, despite us trying to cut down on spending. Which if you knew us, we really don't spend that much. We haven't gone on a vacation in more then 3 years. We don't go out and purchase anything for us. The biggest expenses in the last 2 years have been our van and the remodel of the house. Which really, we had little choice in the matter.

I own literally, 1 pair of pants and 2 shirts. LITERALLY!! Jason has a bit more clothes as he works, so I felt his wardrobe needed a bit more then just a pair of pants and a few shirts. All of the kiddos do well with hand-me-downs from each other. But its hard when Olivia is the oldest and I have no one to give me clothes for her. And then their is Emma-James who is tinier then her sister was at the same age. So she needs a few things to help her get by. Then you have Owen who is the only boy. So of course he needs clothes as well. I do my best to purchase clothes that are cheap and on sale. And for the most part, I do pretty good. Coupons, sales and crazy bargain shopping.

We are officially in the RED when it comes to our home. I can't even explain how this makes both Jason and I feel right now. Stuck, angry, upset!! You get the picture. Our house is worth less then what we ever paid for it. Less then what we have put into it. And less then what we owe on it. At this point in time, it cannot get any worse then it already is. The options of moving are not their and building on is only a dream.

We were hoping to get the kids in a better school system before Emma-James enters kindergarten. She really could use that extra year to help her. Olivia needs a school that can truly accommodate her needs. She is smart. And she needs to have someone motivate her and help her reach her full potential. Neither of them will receive that here in Johnston. Private schools are out of the question. And the Charter school we were hoping to get them into are no longer accepting new students.
So...........we are stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love home-schooling the kiddos. I enjoy having them here with me. And love watching them learn in an environment that is more "learning friendly". But I always feel they are missing out. And I get twangs of sadness remembering my school days (when they were good ones) and realizing they are missing out on some pretty memorable moments.

Of course I am worried about little guy's arrival at any moment. How will I handle 5 kiddos? How will I handle school, girl scouts, the house? As it is. We have no room. Anyone reading this, who has visited, or spend time in, knows this. THERE IS LACK OF SPACE!!!! No rooms we can eliminate, no ways of adding on, no where to put anything. Regardless if we had one child, or 8 children, this would and will always be a problem in this home. I have made it work though. I try hard. Move a bed here, a dresser their. Give up the closets, make room for toys. Put a shelve here and clothes their. This again, is enough to drive me batty. But despite my every growing need for a clutter free home. THIS NEVER HAPPENS!! My kids, my husband, my animals. They all cannot seem to grasp the idea of PICKING UP AFTER YOURSELF. I walk on dolls, trucks and stuffed animals in the middle of the night. Slip on a book, and cry wishing that we just had one room where all the kids stuff can go too and I can be at peace knowing I wont kill myself making a night time trip to the potty.

My new worry now you ask? Well, finding a job of course. We need the extra cash flow. So badly that I am willing to do just about anything. I have very little experience in "LIFE" I should say. Working as a baby-sitter, nanny, professional child care person. That's about it. My life's work. So finding a job in retail or something other then children, scares me. But I will do it. Finding hours, that work around Jason. Well that's hard too. He might have to work from home. We just don't know. I am praying for a miracle at this point!! We have earned it. Jason and I are good people. Great parents. Hard workers. We have tried very hard to make sure we are their for our kids. And we will continue to do that. No matter what path we have to take to make that happen.

So worried......yes I am worried. Only time will tell in the coming days, weeks and months what we are going to do. Until then, I will continue to worry and pray.