Friday, May 14, 2010


Ugh, as the time approaches to this little's arrival. I find myself getting more and more nervous. Usually I have a good (almost) 2 years between births. But with this one so close and less then a year from delivering Ezme, I find that my nerves are getting the best of me. Everything under the sun has hit my head on more then one occasion.

* What if I have to have a c-section (my first ever)
* What if something happens to me (bleed out, need hysterectomy, or worse, I DIE)
* What if I need an epidural again and the pain is as excruciating as it was with Ezme. Do I suffer through painful contractions, or get the epidural?
* What if the baby has to go to the NICU?
* What if we can't get someone down here in time to watch the kiddos?
* What if the baby comes early and the house isn't cleaned or prepared?
* How will everyone fit in the car?
* How will I do my errands, grocery shop, teach Olivia, etc. with a new baby?
* How will I handle two Girl Scout troops?
* How will Ezme take being the "bigger sister" and no longer the baby? She didn't get very much baby/mommy time
* Will I be okie if this is our "last" baby?
* What if I want more, what will others say?
* What if medically we cannot have more? How will I do/feel?
* How will we handle 5 kiddos in our small house?
* How will we handle vacations, trips, outing with 5 kiddos?
* How will simple things like laundry, dishes, house cleaning, and such get done?
* Etc. Etc. Etc

For the most part, I am just being completely ridiculous with this list. For me at least, I think I am worrying just to worry. I am not worried about how I will handle the kids in the car, or outings and grocery shopping. I am not worried about Ezme missing out on more Mommy/Ezme time as I think she will handle it just fine. I am not worried about vacations or outings as one more kiddo is one more kiddo. I have had up to 6 before, so its not a big deal. It's the bigger picture that I am worried about. The unknowns. The what if's? With only 16ish weeks left (give or take a week) I am just feeling overwhelmed and that things on my list are just not going to get done. I know that they will, but in my head, it just feels a bit overwhelming. I think I need to spend more time on the things that CAN be accomplished, and less on the bigger picture. Though if you know me, that's a pretty hard thing to do. So if your in the same boat as me, or have suggestions, I would love to hear them.


Frustrated and needed a place to rant. My "nesting" is in full force. At 24 weeks 1 day, I am feeling the stress of trying to make my house SPOTLESS, ORGANIZED, and CLEAN at all times. A hard task when you have 4 kiddos, all whom can move freely now. A dog who can't go outside and play in the yard because the dog in our neighbors yard has broken the fence on NUMEROUS occasions. And two kitties who thankfully for the most part, are easy to please.

For the most part I can keep the upstairs cleaned, organized and pretty much clutter free. I am upset with how the rugs look. I would love a little extra cash to get them professionally cleaned so they look like "new" again. I would even wish for more "space" so the kids can play.

My frustration now is that I was really hoping and praying that we could maybe purchase a bigger home. Since this is completely, 100% out of the question. I decided that an addition to our house would be better suited. I was content with this idea. It would give us just an extra space to play, work, do school stuff, office things. You get the drift. I was really hoping and praying that this would work out. That we could have this build and ready before the new baby came. Sadly though, I don't think this is going to happen. And I am depressed. Depressed about so much right now. Lack of space, lack of organization. Lack of money. Lack of well, everything. I am trying very hard to be optimistic. I tell myself everyday how lucky I should feel that I have a beautiful home. A roof over my head. Food on the table. I remind myself that not everyone has this luxury and I should be thankful. And I am. I really am. I love my home, my kids, my life. I wouldn't trade any of them. I knew how small our house was when we moved in. I knew that we would grow our family over the years and that we would have to "make it work" However, I don't think Jason or myself planned on being here as long as we have. This was to be a "temporary" home. Many things that have happened in the last five years have made us realize that sometimes life really sucks. But we move on, get by and realize that in the end, we are the better people. That someday, we will get lucky.

So now we wait. We are still trying to figure out how we are going to gain more space with little space we have. It's so frustrating. I have given up a vacation with my husband. Time with him alone. So we could afford things in our everyday life. And yet, he still struggles. WHY???? He is the hardest working person (besides my dad) I know. He works all day, sometimes 2 jobs at a time. Comes home, cooks, cleans, plays with the kiddos, and then goes back to work. For what. To pay bills. To get nothing in return. Except more bills. To feel so frustrated about things right now that he makes himself sick. This just bites.

What are we going to do? I don't know. The extra space is not even a "luxury" but a NECESSITY. We need the space. The kids need somewhere to play. Jason and I need somewhere to work where its not in the kitchen. All the kids need a place to learn for school. Free from distractions and mess.

Will it ever happen? I don't now. Moving is not an option. So unless a miracle happens. I guess this 1200 sq. foot home will just have to work. Blah.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Baby Update

First I will get to the baby update. I am now 24 weeks along. Time is ticking away, but I find that things are slowing down some. I am happy to report that if baby was to come today (and no worries, its not going to happen) he has a 40 to 70 percent chance of living outside my belly. I always find the first 24 weeks the hardest to overcome. So much can go wrong, so much can happen. And knowing that a doctor would not do anything medically to save a baby that is born before this time (in most cases) makes me fear the pregnancy even more. Making it to this point for me at least, is a HUGE DEAL.

I had my regular OB appointment on Tuesday and discussed my "concerns" with him. I have tried on numerous occasions to have the two gentleman I see really listen to my feelings, but it seems to always go in one ear and out the other. It infuriates me and frustrates me. I wish my old doctor was still available, but I know her health is more important right now, and I rather that she get better. Until then, I took matters in my own hands (as I usually do) and stressed to my doctor that things with baby need a closer look. From the outside, you would think everything is okie. But honestly, at 24 weeks, I am still getting little fetal movement. Though a mark improvement from the last few weeks, I can honestly say, if I was asked to do a kick count in the time allotted, he would fail. And fail miserably. I rest as often as I can (probably more then I should sometimes) and feel nothing. A kick here, a slight move their. Hiccups with baby are frequent. Mostly at night between 10-11pm. If you know me and my past history, then you know why I worry. With Anabelle, her movements were timed to a T. I could look at a clock, count down, and bam, know the except moment she would start moving around, and the exact time she would stop. And of course, hiccups were very frequent with her as well. So of course, I am going to worry. I am going to worry all the time, and I am going to be one of those "WEIRD" over the top moms. Yes, this is my sixth pregnancy. That's the point. I know when to worry, and when to just pass it off. This time, I worry. Baby's heart rate looks fantastic. In the 140's. But he did notice that it dipped at least 15 points in just a matter of seconds. Calls for concern, I don't know. The other thing I have mentioned OFTEN is how small I am. At 24 weeks I look great, feel great, and unless I find something that really show my tummy, find it hard to even look pregnant sometimes. My Girl Scout parents have all known since February and said that I barely look pregnant. And you would think with your 6th, I would balloon out even sooner. As I did with Owen and Ezme. So with this "concern" he took an outside fundal measurement and realized that I am at least 2 weeks behind. Now this is just a "small" concern, but a concern. He said that I could catch up in two weeks, or it could get worse. So I am just taking things in stride right now. I go back again for a regular check-up in June. At this time I will start my scheduling for ultrasounds once a month and then about 4 weeks after that, it will be NST's. Who knows, this kiddo could come out being 10 pounds. Though I am not wishing for that. For now though, I just continue on with things. Girl Scouts will be coming to a close soon and the house needs work on it as always. Busy, busy.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Anabelle is 5 1/2 today

Hard to believe that she would be 5 1/2 today. I am sort of in a funk as I realize all the wonderful things we should be doing with her. The start of Kindergarten. The start of Girl Scouts. Swimming lessons and play dates. I sometimes mourn the "what could have been" and the reality of how sick she was and the medical issues that could potentially be a factor if she had lived. Either way, both suck in my mind, because either way, I would have loved to have her here. I find myself hurting around this time as Mother's Day is always near her 1/2 mark. Not to mention taking pictures of all the kiddos together makes me realize that there is someone missing. That there shouldn't be such a huge gap between Oliva and Emma-James. That I should have my four girls and soon to be 2 boys here with me. I look back on her birth and realize that the time I DID HAVE WITH HER was very precious and very special. I was blessed to have all the things I needed and wanted in her little life to come true. Things that I needed to happen to make sure I got through the pain and hurt of not having her with me forever. Simple things like putting up the Christmas tree as a family. Having her picture taking with Santa at the mall. Being able to have her home and no longer in the NICU.

I hated having her studied like a lab rat, and not looked at as a baby. It drove me nuts. I would argue and fight with doctors. Even got angry that they were reading medical journals from the 1990's regarding T-18. How naive that they really felt that medicine hadn't changed since in more then 14 years. That children were living with T-18. Some even thriving. I know the statistics of this is rare, but still.

5 1/2 years have gone by and many (if not all) of my friends have forgotten. I receive just one phone call a year for her birthday. I have to remind many of the fact I have 5 kids (soon to be 6) and out of the 5, four of them are girls. It makes me sad that they have forgotten or forgotten to care. Its wonderful that my oldest remembers. She reminds me every time I try to tell people of how many children I have. I don't intentionally exclude her. It's just sometimes going into the story can be hard and long. Some get upset and don't know what to say. While others say they are sorry and try hard to run away from the conversation. Both are hard. I love talking about her. Sharing her with the world. Letting people know how special she was. Its just death, especially in children is a hard thing for people to understand or talk about. Its the way we have cultured ourselves. Sad thing too. Because our children are the greatest gifts anyone of us could have. Why should it be such a taboo thing to talk about? Whether they are alive, or have passed on to a better place, they are still our children.

My sweet baby may be gone, but she is always, always in my heart and not a moment passes I don't think of her. Happy Half Birthday little one.

Big sister Olivia getting to see her little sister for the first time. This was a HUGE fight with the hospital staff. Siblings of babies in the NICU are only allowed to visit on the first Tuesday of every month. Of course, that had already passed. We told them that this was not an option as we did not know how long Anabelle had. I had to practically smack (and I would have) someone to realize that I wasn't going to go quietly and that Olivia needed to see her sister.

One of my favorite pictures in the hospital. Mommy, Daddy and Anabelle.

Anabelle the morning of coming home. She ended up getting a really nice tan after being under the billy lights for a few days.

First night home from the hospital

Sleepy Anabelle

Our only family photo. Taken the night before she passed away. I felt so blessed to have this happen. The lady at the photo place even stayed after hours to make sure we got the most special pictures of her too. How awesome is that.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Owen's Mural

FINALLY! Well, for the most part I can say FINALLY! I finished the mural in Owen's room. It only took me about 3 weeks. Working a little here and there. Its tough when you have little time during the day and have to work around schedules of feeding, changing and all around errand running. Plus lets add in laundry, dishes, cleaning in general. Honestly though, they really weren't even most of the reasons why I haven't finished. I am working hard at getting the back and front yard cleaned and looking inviting. A huge job in my mind. Especially when the thought of bending over and pulling weeds just isn't a great combination.

Anyways, before I get off the subject, the room, for the most part is finished. I have a few odds and ends to paint on the walls and Jason is going to build me a little desk for the kids to use against the "Tree". I have managed in my great working mind find a way to fit all the three kiddos in the room come time in August. With plenty of floor space to play. And of course, Owen is in love with his "closet" room to play in. Have to say, the best aspect of this house is the walk in closets we have upstairs. Great for playing!!

So without further anticipation, here are the pictures!! If you are reading this, and are in the local area and would like something done on your kiddos walls, look me up. My summers are free for the most part!!! And it really doesn't take me 3 weeks, 3 days at the most! Baring no interruptions.

Emma-James in front of the Big Tree (This tree will eventually be part of a table for the kids to work on. I am hoping to make it a half round one so it looks like it is part of the tree too)

Emma-James and Owen in front of "HIS TREE" as he calls it

PEEP IN THE BIG WIDE WORLD (Quack is Blue, Chirp is Red, and Peep is Yellow)

A close-up of Owen's best friends

Owen's other favorite thing in the whole world. DUCKS. I will be adding one more baby duck to the wall. One each representing the kiddos sharing the room. Owen is the biggest, then Ezme then a little one for the new little guy.

Emma-James and Owen. Owen wanted to take a picture with his friends

The other side of the closet wall. Owen wanted a turtle and I threw in 3 little rabbits kissing the turtle good-night. Olivia says that Owen is the turtle and its Olivia, Emma-James and Ezme kissing their brother good-night. Isn't that so sweet!

A close-up

The entire wall complete with puffy clouds. This wall also has 3 hooks for Owen to use. Trying to help him keep his room organized by hanging jackets, PJ's and what not on them. I didn't get to take the picture in time. But I can promise you, he already loves them. He had to hang up his under panties right away!

Ezme enjoying her BIG GIRL CRIB

Hi Mommy. Oh, and just to let you know, the crib bedding was handmade by me. Bumper pad, the blanket in the back, etc. If you are looking for something with a little more "homemade" feeling and wanting to stay from the department store prices. Give me a holler!!

I really have to say that I love how everything turned out. All the colors match. And it really looks nice in his room. I even hate to admit this, but I love his room more then mine now!! I hope you guys enjoy it as much as the kids do. It really was so much fun to work on.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day Continued....

I had such a wonderful Mother's Day today. It started with sleeping in until 8:30am. Emma-James woke me up saying she couldn't wait any longer to give me my presents. So the kiddos all came in with handmade cards and beautiful balloons and flowers for me. Olivia wrote me the sweetest poem, and Emma-James written her name out for the first time on her card. Even Owen managed to write out some of his name. Such a special moment in mommy's heart for sure. Each of the kiddos got me a beautiful plant for the outdoors. I cannot wait for the weather to get warmer so I can go out and plant them.

Next came breakfast in bed. YUMMY! My sweet husband (with the kiddos help of course) made me french toast with bacon and even made me a fruit cup. It was so yummy I couldn't help but at for seconds.

I spend the better part of the morning and afternoon after eating folding and putting all the laundry away. By then, it was time for lunch and nap times for the babies. So I took a nice LONG AND HOT bubble bath for almost 2 hours until the kiddos woke up. SWEET I TELL YA! We then headed out for a few hours to the country store I so admire. I found a table and chair set that I really loved. Might go and pick it up later in the week if its still there. I have been looking around for something small but useful to put in my room. This just might be the jackpot. After we took a drive to the supermarket (Dave's) and got some beautiful looking steaks and a few lobster tails. My usual Mother's Day meal.

When we came home, hubby cooked supper and we all had a fantastic meal together. It was really nice. Jason even scored some cupcakes the size of the kids heads for desert. Of course they were a little wound up, but after an hour, they have quieted down and now everyone is asleep.

I am truly blessed with how much love I have from my kiddos. It really was a terrific day. My last being a mom of four earthly babies. Next year it will be even more wonderful with all 5 of them.

Me with my beautiful kiddos. Olivia (7) Emma-James (4) Owen (2 1/2) and Ezme (8 Months)

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of you Mom's out there. Here is a special shout out to my Mom and Jason's Mom (in Heaven) We love you both even if we don't get to see you everyday. Love and Hugs.

My Mom holding Owen

Jason, Jaime (his brother) his Mom and Dad

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Ezme is 8 Months Old

Time sure does fly by when your having fun. So excited of all the new things that Ezme has learned in the last month alone. It's pretty big so enjoy!!

* Is truly enjoying her new freedom. Especially with the older kiddos. She loves that she can join them in whatever they are doing without having to wait for someone to move her.
* Says the words Uh Oh, Mama, Dada, and WOW
* Loves her new kitten Grace
* MOVED TO HER BIG GIRL CRIB in Owen's room (tonight)
* Eats about 2 jars of baby food with oatmeal 3 times a day and about six 5 ounce bottles each day. Big eater. But still waking up once at night. Though last night was a HUGE improvement. I think she just wanted to be in a bigger bed with more room and a real mattress!


Friday, May 7, 2010

Mother's Day Tea

Every year at Cherry Hill Preschool the Owner and Teacher Miss. Cheryl holds a special morning/afternoon for the Mom's of the current Preschoolers. Of course I was invited for Olivia's many moons ago, so this year it was finally Emma-Jame's turn to bring me. It really was an adorable little hour. Complete with the little ones singing a few songs for their moms and a little treat of muffins and milk. Emma-James has been practicing for a month now all of her songs she was to sing for Mother's Tea. I have to say she did pretty great this morning. She is getting to be such a big girl and watching her grow and learn new things makes me teary eyed sometimes. Here are a few pictures of that special day I was so blessed to have with her.

Mommy and Emma-James just before we left for school

Saying Cheese before she digs into all of her breakfast goodies

Beautiful Emma-James

Singing us Mommy's a song with some of her Pre-School Friends

It was such a blessing and great morning. Thank you little Emma-James for being my sweet little girl. Mommy loves you so much!

Monday, May 3, 2010


That's right folks. EZME IS CRAWLING....EVERYWHERE!! We now officially have 4 kiddos in the house who are mobile. I love it too, because its just about a week before she turns 8 months old. I wonder when she will start walking *smiles*

I was completely stunned this morning to see it too. Jason had just left for work and I had put Ezme down for a few minutes before getting her breakfast. I sat down to watch her play and BAM, the little stinker crawls right too me. Totally unexpected. She has been trying for a good week now, but really just couldn't seem to get the handle of it. I was just sad that daddy couldn't be home to watch it.

The older kids have now been told (and warned) that they no longer can have their little toys lying around the house. Nothing is allowed on the floors at all. This will be tough for some (Olivia) and easy for the others. I will say, for the most part, they are all pretty good about keeping the floors cleaned. Especially the girls room, as it connects to our room and boy do I hate walking on small toys, beads or baby dolls at 2am.

I would love to get a video up of her moving now, but I am still unsure how to do it. Anyone who has insight as to how I go from my camera to putting a short film on the website. I am all ears :-)


I was really motivated to continue my quest for a beautiful and clutter free backyard. But once again, Mother Nature had other ideas and brought its good friend Mr. Rain with him. Ugh. I am so sick of all the rain we have been getting. Seriously, between the flooding we had in late March early April and the scattered days of rain that seemed to be more then it should have been for the month of April. I am wondering if our summer will be once again ruined by the abundance of rain. Last summer was mostly a washout. I think out of the entire summer we maybe received about 2 weeks of good weather. I really hope that this wont be the case this summer. I want to go to the beach and the park and so many other places before baby comes.

So today is an indoor organizing cleaning day instead. Going to work on the rest of the laundry (mostly bedding) folding and putting stuff away. Painting the rest of Owen's room. Hoping the kiddos will let me work on this adventure without bothering me too much in the "I WANT TO HELP" department. All of us moms know that kids and paint do not go hand in hand! I would also be happy if I got the school supply closet and the linen closet organized. Something I keep telling myself I will do, but never really seem to get around to actually doing. The kiddos wanted to go to Target today as well. I know I have a few things to pick up there, but I think I will save those items for Hubby to get when he gets out of work. Dragging 4 kiddos in the rain across town to Target just doesn't sound all that appealing to me. But hey, I might be up for an adventure later on, one will never know. I am off to start my list. I hope everyone is enjoying their rainy, or sunny day.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Who Said Yard Work Was FUN?? (Updated Below)

Ugh, Whoever said yard work was fun is out of their minds!!! I figured I better get my self together and get my front and back yards cleaned. Especially if we are having a bunch of Girl Scout functions here at the end of the month. Not to mention, I really haven't done much for the last few spring/summers so its really in dire need of some TLC. I wish I had taken a few BEFORE pictures on some of my hard work already, but oh well. Let me just say, OVER GROWN JUNGLE!! That gives you a good idea. My goal today, even though its already after 2pm. Is to finish up the side of the house, mow the lawn and get a few odds and ends done. I hate that summer always goes by so fast. The minute you have the yard done the way you like it, summer is over and your back to your busy schedules. Plus, lets not forget that if I am working outside, my inside starts to be neglected in so many ways. It really is a loose loose situation. But for now, its a little break and then off to the races to complete some more work.

****UPDATE 1****

I am lazy. Decided to go to the grocery store to get my cranky hubby some drinks and a few things for supper and lunch for the next couple of days. Good thing I did too. I got all our drinks for practically nothing! And lunchables for the kids for the next two weeks!!!! And to top off my luck of shopping this afternoon, I scored $6 dollars back for a future purchase next time I am in Stop N' Shop. WOOT! GO ME!!
Going to each something and head back outside. Though I don't think I will be finishing up all of my "To Do's" today. Oh, and speaking of. Jason's "To Do" was to put up the new closet door in Owen's room. I come home from the store and the first thing he says to me is "I HATE THIS HOUSE!" Huh, no kidding. I have only been telling you the same thing for more then 4 years. But I digress. The house is crooked, so of course the closet is crooked, so of course the door doesn't fit correctly. Will anything work for us today????? Just accomplishing ONE THING would make me a happy person. Blah.

****UPDATE 2****

I have to say, I am pretty gosh darn proud of myself. I managed to get all the things (well, mostly) done today that I was hoping too. I finished working on the side of the house. Cleaned the area our new garden is going to be going. Moved about 50 bricks around the yard to make the new "Garden". Even managed to cut down a dead tree and work on picking up the broken tree branches a bit. I will say this: I am sure glad we don't have a front yard to worry about. I would loose my mind. Its nice to just concentrate on one part of our house. Especially when the inside seems to be neglected if one is working on the outside. I also decided that it was time to start move all of my plants around. We are hoping to put in an addition sometime this summer or late fall, so it was sort of a good time as any to move everything around since we will be extending the addition beyond the plant beds. Tomorrow's goal is to finish up as much as I can alone in the backyard. Racking, cleaning, shoveling dirt. Moving bags of dead leaves and what not to the front for the "Trash Buddies" for Wednesday's pick-up. Hopefully I can do this all, and keep a somewhat good schedule with the kiddos. Thankfully, the older girls will play outside pretty much the entire day. And I can work in between naps and lunch and snacks with the younger two. Heck, I might even move Ezme's pack-n-play downstairs tomorrow so she can sleep in the living room while I am working! I think that I might just be able to get everything done (including the pick-up in driveway) before our Girl Scout function at the end of the Month. WOOT! This though doesn't include cleaning out the shed. That's a whole other can of worms. The kiddos are taking a bath and soon they will eat and head to bed. I am praying tonight I can finally watch my movie, "THE LOVELY BONES" here's hoping!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Happy May 1st Everyone

Another month gone, a new one here! The winter/spring is just flying by. Looking at my calander makes me a little sad as almost the entire month of June is busy with something going on. Not to mention July is getting packed as well. It's a shame that we only have a few short months (about 12 weeks) of good weather to get anything done. Between Birthday Parties, yard work, visits to Maine, Summer Camp and the occasional trip to the beach, NH to visit family and what have you. The summer is gone before it really ever started. We are hoping that we can spend more time doing things, like visiting the park, swimming and enjoying the backyard. But that always seems to get bummed. For instance, last summer was a complete wash out to do anything because almost the entire summer it rained or was too cold to go anywhere. Let's pray for a better summer. I want to take Owen to the Ocean for the first time darn it!!

This morning I woke up earlier then usual. For me, that's a huge accomplishment as I don't usually wake up well in the mornings. Especially after a long night with kiddos or lack of sleep for whatever reason. I managed to get a bunch of things done, including a few photos. Jason made a yummy breakfast this morning for all of us. Even if he was working on only 2 hours of sleep. Complete with Eggs, Bacon and Pancakes. I took a few pictures of the kiddos eating there yummy food. Even Ezme was in heaven with the Pancakes daddy made. She managed to eat an entire one by herself. GO EZME!!

Ezme eating breakfast

First real bath in the kitchen sink. She was in LOVE

All dressed up in her first Summer dress. Thank you Auntie Ryann. Don't I look cute!!

Since daddy is away at work all day in Marlboro. We are just chilling around the house. Nap taking and doing some indoor cleaning. Thinking that a trip to Target is in store later this afternoon. I need food for the kids, and I think I might get a fun outdoor water toy for them to play with tomorrow. The weather is saying a high of 82!!