Frustrated

Frustrated and needed a place to rant. My "nesting" is in full force. At 24 weeks 1 day, I am feeling the stress of trying to make my house SPOTLESS, ORGANIZED, and CLEAN at all times. A hard task when you have 4 kiddos, all whom can move freely now. A dog who can't go outside and play in the yard because the dog in our neighbors yard has broken the fence on NUMEROUS occasions. And two kitties who thankfully for the most part, are easy to please.

For the most part I can keep the upstairs cleaned, organized and pretty much clutter free. I am upset with how the rugs look. I would love a little extra cash to get them professionally cleaned so they look like "new" again. I would even wish for more "space" so the kids can play.

My frustration now is that I was really hoping and praying that we could maybe purchase a bigger home. Since this is completely, 100% out of the question. I decided that an addition to our house would be better suited. I was content with this idea. It would give us just an extra space to play, work, do school stuff, office things. You get the drift. I was really hoping and praying that this would work out. That we could have this build and ready before the new baby came. Sadly though, I don't think this is going to happen. And I am depressed. Depressed about so much right now. Lack of space, lack of organization. Lack of money. Lack of well, everything. I am trying very hard to be optimistic. I tell myself everyday how lucky I should feel that I have a beautiful home. A roof over my head. Food on the table. I remind myself that not everyone has this luxury and I should be thankful. And I am. I really am. I love my home, my kids, my life. I wouldn't trade any of them. I knew how small our house was when we moved in. I knew that we would grow our family over the years and that we would have to "make it work" However, I don't think Jason or myself planned on being here as long as we have. This was to be a "temporary" home. Many things that have happened in the last five years have made us realize that sometimes life really sucks. But we move on, get by and realize that in the end, we are the better people. That someday, we will get lucky.

So now we wait. We are still trying to figure out how we are going to gain more space with little space we have. It's so frustrating. I have given up a vacation with my husband. Time with him alone. So we could afford things in our everyday life. And yet, he still struggles. WHY???? He is the hardest working person (besides my dad) I know. He works all day, sometimes 2 jobs at a time. Comes home, cooks, cleans, plays with the kiddos, and then goes back to work. For what. To pay bills. To get nothing in return. Except more bills. To feel so frustrated about things right now that he makes himself sick. This just bites.

What are we going to do? I don't know. The extra space is not even a "luxury" but a NECESSITY. We need the space. The kids need somewhere to play. Jason and I need somewhere to work where its not in the kitchen. All the kids need a place to learn for school. Free from distractions and mess.

Will it ever happen? I don't now. Moving is not an option. So unless a miracle happens. I guess this 1200 sq. foot home will just have to work. Blah.