I have been feeling sort of "blah" these coming days. Watching a few of my friends talk about their little's entering Kindergarten has gotten me realizing that Anabelle should be joining the trio of kiddos that are going to embark on this journey as well. It's tough. I know in my heart she wouldn't have really gone to school unless we were able to find one that would accommodate her growing needs as a child with Trisomy 18. Some days I picture her healthy, running around full of life, still with us. Other days the reality of her diagnosis reminds me that she might never have done any of those. Even the simplest things like eating might have been a struggle.
I am reminded often of these three kiddos and how lucky their parents are to have them be with their families. That each moment they take a breath its a blessing. Some days I forget and look at pictures or updates and am so happy that they are here. Other days I get teary eyes, reminding me that Anabelle should be including in the journey. That she isn't here with us. And that no matter how hard I try, their will always be a HUGE part of my life that is missing. The updates and photos I cannot do. The firsts I will never have. The memories that were cut too short.
I am looking forward to taking on a new Daisy troop this year. Wondering subconsciously if I took it knowing that Anabelle would have been with this group of girls. I think it will be as much of a healing for me to know I am still continuing on even if Anabelle cannot be here physically to participate. Emma-James is happy to take a spot in this class. She is excited to be a part of something she can call her own. Both her and Anabelle would have been in the same class together. Learning side-by-side. It breaks my heart that I don't have that to cherish and only can form memories in my heart.
Who knew that KINDERGARTEN would spark such a weave of emotions inside me. I miss the "what if's" and always having that feeling that our family, no matter how many blessing we have with us, will never, ever, be complete.