Monday, November 12, 2012
Family!
For all of those who might question the reason why I want or have a big family. Look at the smiles of the 6 most beautiful kiddos on earth. This is why!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
8 Years
Anabelle Eileen Martin Rodrigues blessed us on this cold November morning 8 years ago. Weighing in at 4lbs 6oz and 17 inches long. She was born during the snow falling at 6:19am.Its been 8 years since our littlest bean was born. 8 years since I have kissed her sweet forehead and loved on her sweet toes. 8 years since my friends stood by me to comfort and hold hands in prayer. 8 years since i spoke to most of them about the joy and love as I shared my most precious gift. 8 years since I held her in my arms and heard the words come from the doctors mouth as they deliver the news of your diagnosis. 8 years since I have been able to joyfully bring you into the world and show you the wonders around us. 8 years since we put up the Christmas tree while you and your big sister Olivia huddle underneath it and whisper in each others ear. 8 years since my family was "complete" before you left us too soon. 8 years ago today I welcomed my second little girl into the family. 8 years ago today I would learn the heartache of having a child, while anticipating the heartache of loosing a child.
8 years...........
Saturday, November 3, 2012
First Week Home!
The first few days have a breeze. Everly wakes up every 4 hours to eat and is nursing like a champ. She is the most laid back, easy going, content baby. She dropped her weight down to 5 lbs 5 oz. So we are closely watching her in the hopes she will catch up quickly. The kids are really adoring her. I spend so much of my pregnancy worrying about the what if's that I robbed myself of all the wonderful things to look forward too. So I am enjoying every moment I can. She has really molded herself well into our family and at only 3 days old. I couldn't ask for more!! Below is a picture of Emma holding Everly for the first time. The smile catches it all. She is 100% the mother hen.
First night sleep in the crib
Owen getting in a quick snuggle!
Happy Everly!
Loves her carseat!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
HAPPY HALLOWEEN to the littlest PUMPKIN!!
Everly Quinn Martin Rodrigues
October 31, 2012
5 lbs 9 oz 18 inches 1:58am
Everly and Mommy minutes old!
Owen and Everly!! He is was the happiest of all the kiddos that she was here.
Ezme and Everly. Such a big smile!
Everly 2 Days Old. Getting ready to go home.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
E Day or should I say BIRTHDAY!!
10:15pm and I am finally in Labor and Delivery. I looked up and saw the two nurses who not only delivered Ezme but Oliver as well. How lucky was I too have them be there for this little ones birth as well?!!
They get me hooked up. Check me again to see I am still 6cm. My doctor told me that there wasn't any rush to really get things going. She asked me if I wanted to have her quickly and come on the 30th. Or wait a little while and have her join us on Halloween. After much thought, I decided that since I was there, why not Halloween. I mean. Its the first time I really had the option to choose between the two days. We both knew that once she started the pitocin drip it would jump start my contractions and I would be in heavy labor within 30 minutes. My Doctor said that after my epidural she would break my water and see how things progressed on their own without the medication.
We discussed having my epidural right away or if I wanted to wait. After much decision (with tears as this part scares me the most) I decided to just get it done while the pain was still manageable in the hopes they would be able to get it in the first try.
At 11:30pm the anesthesiologist came in to start my epidural. I told myself I wasn't going to cry or shed a tear. They took my vitals. Another vial of blood. Asked me about 50,000 questions and told me to wait just a few minutes while they set up everything. Of course, the longer they take, the more anxiety I get about having it done. He kept telling jokes. Trying to break a smile from my very large and unflattering frown I had on my face. He had asked me something and as I was about to answer he said "Done" DONE? How are you done? The guy is a genius. First try. Little to no pain. Done in one shot in less then 3 minutes. I told Jason from now on. Epidural first before anything else and only he is able to do it!!
11:45pm and my Doctor walks in and says I look comfortable. Of course I did. That stuff is fantastic. I watch some tv. and watch a few movies on my ipad. She said she was going to come in and break my water around midnight. Still no major change from when I first started. 5-6cm and head is still high. But we both knew that really meant nothing. We were only just holding off what will happen in a matter of seconds.
Midnight HALLOWEEN!! My Doctor breaks my water. No major changes right away. Will start pitocin at 12:30am.
12:30am-1am. Pitocin started. Not feeling any major contractions. Jason was dosing off in the chair next to me. I was searching the T.V. for something interesting but ended up on the food network channel. Nothing else on and channels were limited.
1am-My doctor walks in and checks on me. A good 7-8cm. She then tells me "I have a C-Section to do, but I can put it off and deliver you now, or go and deliver this mom. She has been in labor for 2 days and pushing for 5 hours. But I know that we can get you out of the way faster." I asked her about how long she would be and she said between 30-45 minutes. I told her not a problem. I wouldn't want that person to wait any longer. She patted my feet and said I was a sweetie. And then as she left the room said "Don't do anything while I am gone." The nurses shut the pitocin off at my Doctors request. And the minute everyone left the room, little Miss moved down and I was ready to push. I called Jason over and asked him to cross my legs for me and sang in my head for the next 45 minutes while my Doctor was gone. Nurses would come in and out asking me how I was doing and I would say "great" Oh the lies.
1:48am my Doctor walks in, puts my pitocin back on. Asks me how I am doing and thanks me for waiting and then checks me to find I was complete and ready. She then got this stern look on her face and asked m how long I have been "ready" and I told her since she walked out the door. Impressed I held it in that long she had everyone move quickly.
1:57am My Doctor was ready to let me push but I had to cough first. This gave her a moment (or so she thought) to get her head protection on. And then it happened. I coughed and Miss E came down full force head out and almost completely delivered. From one single cough!! Jason, the nurse my Doctor were all screamed STOP, STOP, STOP!! Apparently she was so fast that one more cough or push she would have flown across the room. Hehe.
1:58am Everly Quinn Martin Rodrigues arrives perfect in every way. Along with my uterus! But we will save that story for another time. *smiles*
They get me hooked up. Check me again to see I am still 6cm. My doctor told me that there wasn't any rush to really get things going. She asked me if I wanted to have her quickly and come on the 30th. Or wait a little while and have her join us on Halloween. After much thought, I decided that since I was there, why not Halloween. I mean. Its the first time I really had the option to choose between the two days. We both knew that once she started the pitocin drip it would jump start my contractions and I would be in heavy labor within 30 minutes. My Doctor said that after my epidural she would break my water and see how things progressed on their own without the medication.
We discussed having my epidural right away or if I wanted to wait. After much decision (with tears as this part scares me the most) I decided to just get it done while the pain was still manageable in the hopes they would be able to get it in the first try.
At 11:30pm the anesthesiologist came in to start my epidural. I told myself I wasn't going to cry or shed a tear. They took my vitals. Another vial of blood. Asked me about 50,000 questions and told me to wait just a few minutes while they set up everything. Of course, the longer they take, the more anxiety I get about having it done. He kept telling jokes. Trying to break a smile from my very large and unflattering frown I had on my face. He had asked me something and as I was about to answer he said "Done" DONE? How are you done? The guy is a genius. First try. Little to no pain. Done in one shot in less then 3 minutes. I told Jason from now on. Epidural first before anything else and only he is able to do it!!
11:45pm and my Doctor walks in and says I look comfortable. Of course I did. That stuff is fantastic. I watch some tv. and watch a few movies on my ipad. She said she was going to come in and break my water around midnight. Still no major change from when I first started. 5-6cm and head is still high. But we both knew that really meant nothing. We were only just holding off what will happen in a matter of seconds.
Midnight HALLOWEEN!! My Doctor breaks my water. No major changes right away. Will start pitocin at 12:30am.
12:30am-1am. Pitocin started. Not feeling any major contractions. Jason was dosing off in the chair next to me. I was searching the T.V. for something interesting but ended up on the food network channel. Nothing else on and channels were limited.
1am-My doctor walks in and checks on me. A good 7-8cm. She then tells me "I have a C-Section to do, but I can put it off and deliver you now, or go and deliver this mom. She has been in labor for 2 days and pushing for 5 hours. But I know that we can get you out of the way faster." I asked her about how long she would be and she said between 30-45 minutes. I told her not a problem. I wouldn't want that person to wait any longer. She patted my feet and said I was a sweetie. And then as she left the room said "Don't do anything while I am gone." The nurses shut the pitocin off at my Doctors request. And the minute everyone left the room, little Miss moved down and I was ready to push. I called Jason over and asked him to cross my legs for me and sang in my head for the next 45 minutes while my Doctor was gone. Nurses would come in and out asking me how I was doing and I would say "great" Oh the lies.
1:48am my Doctor walks in, puts my pitocin back on. Asks me how I am doing and thanks me for waiting and then checks me to find I was complete and ready. She then got this stern look on her face and asked m how long I have been "ready" and I told her since she walked out the door. Impressed I held it in that long she had everyone move quickly.
1:57am My Doctor was ready to let me push but I had to cough first. This gave her a moment (or so she thought) to get her head protection on. And then it happened. I coughed and Miss E came down full force head out and almost completely delivered. From one single cough!! Jason, the nurse my Doctor were all screamed STOP, STOP, STOP!! Apparently she was so fast that one more cough or push she would have flown across the room. Hehe.
1:58am Everly Quinn Martin Rodrigues arrives perfect in every way. Along with my uterus! But we will save that story for another time. *smiles*
39 Weeks and 1 Day
No pictures today of me pregnant. Sorry. However, good news. I went to my weekly appointment today and I am germ free. Just a mild cough but other then that. I am feeling 100% better. My Doctor checked me and I am already 5-6cm dilated. She said that she wouldn't be surprised to see me at the hospital later on that day. I told her that I wasn't holding my breath. Out of 6 kiddos, only one broke my water. So I wasn't banking on anything happening on its own this time around. She said that now that the hospital has a policy on non-emergency inductions before 41 weeks, that she is praying that something happens. She and I both feel the same way about waiting past 40 weeks. She told me to start calling those I needed to and make sure my sitter for the other kiddos was here in the area. Luckily our friend Jenn offered to come down and stay the night just in case.
I came home with lots of cramping and a general yucky feeling all around. I thought that I would try to get in a quick nap. Luckily the boys mom I sit for had called earlier that morning to tell me she was picking up the boys early (though it didn't happen) so I told Jason after the kids left I would go lay down for an hour or two.
By 1pm in the afternoon I was cramping even more to the point I needed to either walk through them or keep busy. The boys mom still hadn't shown up, and I didn't feel comfortable napping with them still here. So I did the dishes and a few loads of laundry. Made the kids beds and folded the clean laundry so I could put it away. I cleaned out my car and did a few other odds and ends.
By 3pm the boys were just leaving (they were suppose to leave at noon) and as I was heading upstairs to take a quick nap. My friend Jenn walks in the house. I guess a nap wasn't going to happen. The girls needed to be picked up, homework done. Supper made. Jason and Jenn kept trying to convince me to just slow down and rest. But I needed to move. Really for two reasons. 1) to keep busy. 2) to keep my mind off of everything.
6pm came and contractions and cramping were getting worse. I decided to take a shower, get the things packed in the car and called my doctor to let her know that I was headed to triage. I was feeling really lucky she was already on duty at the hospital. It was nice to know that 3 out of 6 kiddos would now have the same doctor delivering them.
By 7pm I was in the car heading to Woman and Infants. Not knowing of Miss E was going to gracious with her presence today or for Halloween. Either way, I just prayed that the on call doctor didn't decide to send me home.
My doctor called down to triage when she found out I was there and told them to send me right up. I am a quick delivery and she didn't want me to go home and have something happen. I was checked again at 8:30pm and was told that at 6cm I wasn't making enough "change" within the hour and the Doctor on call was getting ready to send me home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I can't go home. I told her to call my doctor up in labor and delivery and she would tell her that going home wasn't an option.
9:45pm and after 3 1/2 hours at the Woman and Infants triage center. I finally had my blood drawn for labs. My I.V. in and I was on my way. I turned around the corner to see my Doctor and her and the nurse immediately asked "WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN??" Long story is all I could say......
Its now 10:10pm
I came home with lots of cramping and a general yucky feeling all around. I thought that I would try to get in a quick nap. Luckily the boys mom I sit for had called earlier that morning to tell me she was picking up the boys early (though it didn't happen) so I told Jason after the kids left I would go lay down for an hour or two.
By 1pm in the afternoon I was cramping even more to the point I needed to either walk through them or keep busy. The boys mom still hadn't shown up, and I didn't feel comfortable napping with them still here. So I did the dishes and a few loads of laundry. Made the kids beds and folded the clean laundry so I could put it away. I cleaned out my car and did a few other odds and ends.
By 3pm the boys were just leaving (they were suppose to leave at noon) and as I was heading upstairs to take a quick nap. My friend Jenn walks in the house. I guess a nap wasn't going to happen. The girls needed to be picked up, homework done. Supper made. Jason and Jenn kept trying to convince me to just slow down and rest. But I needed to move. Really for two reasons. 1) to keep busy. 2) to keep my mind off of everything.
6pm came and contractions and cramping were getting worse. I decided to take a shower, get the things packed in the car and called my doctor to let her know that I was headed to triage. I was feeling really lucky she was already on duty at the hospital. It was nice to know that 3 out of 6 kiddos would now have the same doctor delivering them.
By 7pm I was in the car heading to Woman and Infants. Not knowing of Miss E was going to gracious with her presence today or for Halloween. Either way, I just prayed that the on call doctor didn't decide to send me home.
My doctor called down to triage when she found out I was there and told them to send me right up. I am a quick delivery and she didn't want me to go home and have something happen. I was checked again at 8:30pm and was told that at 6cm I wasn't making enough "change" within the hour and the Doctor on call was getting ready to send me home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I can't go home. I told her to call my doctor up in labor and delivery and she would tell her that going home wasn't an option.
9:45pm and after 3 1/2 hours at the Woman and Infants triage center. I finally had my blood drawn for labs. My I.V. in and I was on my way. I turned around the corner to see my Doctor and her and the nurse immediately asked "WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN??" Long story is all I could say......
Its now 10:10pm
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
38 Weeks 1 Day
Everything is just about in place. Kids are all set with everything they need while I am gone. We have our sitter in place for them too. The boys I nanny for are all taken care of and will be staying with our sitter while I am in the hospital. Appointments for everyone are out of the way until middle of November. So far so good.
Now my only job is just to rest as much as I can. Which is a pretty impossible feat. But I am going to do the best I can for sure!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
37 Weeks 2 days and Sick
Post says it all. 37 weeks and sick with what I thought was a simple cold/cough. Add in throwing up, I just assumed it was a slight stomach bug. I felt tired and yucky all over but didn't think anything of it. However, a trip to see my Doctor for my weekly appointment told a different story. Phonomnia. Yuck! I started a course of antibiotics and after a full 24 hours and two double doses. I am feeling so much better. Of course all the junk has moved into my face and nose area. But at least its working its way out of my lungs and I am able to breath a lot better. The wheezing is still there and sometimes its hurts to take in a deep breath. But my energy level is almost back to normal and I am able to finally get things done around the house.
I have been told bed rest, lots of fluids and to take it easy. I am already 3cm dilated and she does not want little lady to arrive at all this week. So I am to try as hard as I can to refrain from any heavy mobility. Though with 7 kids in my house during the week. That keeps me busy almost all day long. With the exception of 3 hours during nap time. I don't see how that will be physically possible. With myself being sick, her weight issues and the fact I have little kiddos in the house. She doesn't want to see the baby end up in the NICU because we are all sick right now. So we will wait. Continue to bleach and Lysol the house and keep up with keeping the germs at bay. Oh, and work on making this mommy happy, healthy and sick free.
I am thankful for the extra week too. I have a list a mile long of things I would really like to try to accomplish this week as I slowly get better. Car needs to be vacuumed. House could use one last good scrub down. At least the downstairs portion. I wouldn't mind doing a good long days worth of grocery shopping and stock up on things we need for a good solid 2 weeks. Though a lot of this will really depend on how I am feeling. I really want to get better as quick as possible, and pushing myself to my limits is probably not a wise idea.
Now we wait and see what happens. Diaper bag is finally made (and came out great) and packed so all I have left is my hospital bag. Clothes are ready to go. Need to acquire a box of diapers but just waiting to see how big this little girl is going to be before we go purchase anything more. Its an easy enough job Jason can do after we have come home. So now we wait.............Oh and get healthy too!
I have been told bed rest, lots of fluids and to take it easy. I am already 3cm dilated and she does not want little lady to arrive at all this week. So I am to try as hard as I can to refrain from any heavy mobility. Though with 7 kids in my house during the week. That keeps me busy almost all day long. With the exception of 3 hours during nap time. I don't see how that will be physically possible. With myself being sick, her weight issues and the fact I have little kiddos in the house. She doesn't want to see the baby end up in the NICU because we are all sick right now. So we will wait. Continue to bleach and Lysol the house and keep up with keeping the germs at bay. Oh, and work on making this mommy happy, healthy and sick free.
I am thankful for the extra week too. I have a list a mile long of things I would really like to try to accomplish this week as I slowly get better. Car needs to be vacuumed. House could use one last good scrub down. At least the downstairs portion. I wouldn't mind doing a good long days worth of grocery shopping and stock up on things we need for a good solid 2 weeks. Though a lot of this will really depend on how I am feeling. I really want to get better as quick as possible, and pushing myself to my limits is probably not a wise idea.
Now we wait and see what happens. Diaper bag is finally made (and came out great) and packed so all I have left is my hospital bag. Clothes are ready to go. Need to acquire a box of diapers but just waiting to see how big this little girl is going to be before we go purchase anything more. Its an easy enough job Jason can do after we have come home. So now we wait.............Oh and get healthy too!
Monday, September 24, 2012
34 weeks! 5 weeks left
First let me say, sorry about the picture being so "shinny" We are still trying to figure out the new camera and are back and forth on the idea of keeping it or finding something else that fits our family better. It takes fantastic pictures most of the time. Great ones outside. Inside though is a different story. Some days I get great shots. While others seem over exposed, "shinny" and very bright. Ideas welcome if you know how we can remedy this issue.So today marks 34 weeks!! Two more weeks and I am officially 9 months. I officially have just 5 weeks (39 weeks) or 42 days (40 weeks) left of this pregnancy. And I am not really struggling this time around with all the things I need to do. Or in some cases, want to do. Which honestly feels great. I cannot guarantee that at the last hour I wont be hounding my husband to scrub the floors and wash the molding and paint all the rooms and take the car to get washed and vacuumed. And everything that in the past has been on my to do list. Right now though, its just been nice to "enjoy" rather then take charge just to have the house look perfect. For those who know me. Lets see how long that lasts for.
We have very little left to do around the house before little girl arrives. We want to get the backyard cleaned up and ready for the fall and all the leaves that will be dropping pretty soon. I am also hoping to get some fall plants in the ground around the front of the house and maybe decorate for Halloween. Something I don't normally do because the kids in our neighborhood tend to destroy and steal stuff. But I wanted something cheery and pleasing to the eye for any potential buyers. Especially since I didn't plant a single thing this year. I am itching to plant something.
We also have a few things to do around the house. Nothing major. Hang some pictures. Finish packing away summer clothes. Fix a few things here and there that have been piling up on Jason's *Hunny-Do List*. Another solid weekend should give us enough time to accomplish everything. Hoping that in another week or two Jason can take a Friday off so we can have a long weekend to get things checked off the list.
I am feeling great. Honestly. I have moments when I am feeling "pregnant" and days like yesterday where I have contractions non stop for hours on end. But other then that. I really have been feeling great. Energy is great. I haven't really slowed down and usually right around the end of 28-30 weeks I am starting to really feel everything. So I am blessed that its been a smooth and uneventful pregnancy for the most part.
Tomorrow is my Growth and Weight check for baby girl. I am excited to see how much she has gained in the last 21 days. I still believe she is tiny, but who knows. She might have gained 2 pounds in the last 21 days and just really good at hiding it. Until then, I am hoping today and most of tomorrow will go by fast. I cannot wait to see her.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Off to a Great Start!
As you can see, the girls are off to a great start to the school year!! I couldn't be more prouder of how hard they work and study during the week. They are certainly *SUPER* in my book. Love you girls. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of how hard you work each and everyday. Keep it up. Your shining stars for sure.
Hugs and Kisses.
Hugs and Kisses.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Bit of Good News
Had my doctors appointment today. 33 weeks 1 day and I measured in at a whooping 30/31 weeks. It was too close to tell either way. Especially with baby moving so much. So I am no longer 4 weeks behind. Give or take, I am about 2 weeks behind. Which is much better. Though she is still thinking baby will be on the small side. I will need to wait another week before we can figure out how much she has grown and gained from my last visit. The wait is killing me.
I did some calculations and if she gains steady everyday over the course of the last 22 days. Then by next Tuesday she should be in the 4lb 3oz range. It will be neat to see if my calculations are spot on or completely off. I wished for the week to fly by. But based on the last two days already. I don't think we will be having that kind of luck.
Blood pressure was in the normal range. 130/80. So I am unsure of where the headaches and dizzy feeling is coming from. She is thinking it might be caused by silent migraines. She gave me a prescription to take before bed in the hopes it wipes this headache out for good.
All in all things look good. Starting October 2nd I will see her every week until delivery. Its zipping by quickly. Just hanging in there. This weekend consists of birthday parties and yard cleaning.
I did some calculations and if she gains steady everyday over the course of the last 22 days. Then by next Tuesday she should be in the 4lb 3oz range. It will be neat to see if my calculations are spot on or completely off. I wished for the week to fly by. But based on the last two days already. I don't think we will be having that kind of luck.
Blood pressure was in the normal range. 130/80. So I am unsure of where the headaches and dizzy feeling is coming from. She is thinking it might be caused by silent migraines. She gave me a prescription to take before bed in the hopes it wipes this headache out for good.
All in all things look good. Starting October 2nd I will see her every week until delivery. Its zipping by quickly. Just hanging in there. This weekend consists of birthday parties and yard cleaning.
Scared
33 weeks. I should be grateful I have made it this far without complications, sickness, flat on my back irritable. 33 weeks and I am still feeling terrific (for the most part) still able to get things done around the house, working, running errands. 33 weeks and baby is doing great. Despite her weight being behind. She is doing pretty wonderful right now.
Except, I am not. 33 weeks and all of a sudden the emotions I felt at the beginning of the pregnancy are now full force at the end. I. AM. SCARED.
For those of you who do not know. Back in November a friend of mine had a beautiful baby. She was so blessed after trying for so many years to welcome a new addition to her family. She was completely in love and all she talked about was her excitement and anticipation for the newest arrival. I remember when she told me. It was late in the evening and I got a text from her. IT'S A BOY. I was so happy for her and the family.
Sadly though, what should have been the happiest time of her life slowly turned into the worse time. She grew increasingly sick day after day. It happened almost days after the baby was born. Doctors suspected everything from A to Z but could never pinpoint what she really had. She saw multiple of doctors and by the time Christmas came. She had lost so much weight (more then a new mom really should) she became increasingly pale and all in all she looked extremely tired and run down. I kept encouraging her to see her doctor. But she said that everything was fine and that it was just this and that. I didn't believe her. But didn't push the issue either.
Then one Sunday evening in January I got the call that she had been admitted to the hospital after a series of what was believed to be heart attacks. All I could ask myself was how did this vibrant, young, wonderful person go from being happy and joyful over the birth of her new baby to in the hospital?? I didn't understand. She had undergone numerous surgeries to help her recover from whatever was killing her.
January turned into February. The email I was dreading came in at 5:25 am. She had passed away earlier that morning. The words I read on the screen could not be put into words I was feeling that afternoon. I walked around in a fog. I couldn't understand. I didn't want to understand. How does GOD take away a beautiful, wonderful, vibrant, God loving mom, sister, Aunt, wife away from everyone and everything that loved her? How?
I struggled at her funeral. I missed her. I missed the person she was. The person I wanted and strive still to this day to be like. I wanted her here with us. To watch her children grow. It wasn't fair.
A week after her passing, I found out I was pregnant. The joy was completely over shadowed by the pain and hurt I was feeling loosing my friend. I was in denial. I didn't want to realize that this was happening to me. I barely wanted to tell friends. (and didn't for a very long time) I gained enough courage and life to tell my husband. He saw the pain and hurt in my eyes. The worry. The wondering. The questions that circled. What if? What if? What if? At 33 weeks I am still partially in denial. With a small belly and barely looking pregnant, I tend to forget until someone asks. The guilt alone from feeling that way makes it worse.
I finally managed to make an appointment to see my OB/GYN. I thought as I walked into the office I was together. Joyful. Ready to prove everyone wrong. I was strong, excited, ready to start a new chapter with our family. The girls at the reception desk were happy to see me. Greeting me with a smile. Asking about the other kids. I was ready to go. Until that is, I walked into the office and saw my doctors face. I lost it. Completely. Emotions were spilling on the floor left and right. She looked at me with utter shock. I was always so calm, so happy, so closed off to my emotions. Even with Anabelle. She was stunned to see me so vulnerable. Hell, I was stunned to see myself acting this way. I never cried. Or at least not in front of people other then my husband. Then I laid it all out. How I lost my best friend. And by this time 3 other friends to Cancer. All within weeks of each other. How I was afraid that the loss of my friend meant that it was going to happen to me. The worry for my family, my kids, my husband the new baby. I was a basket case.
She was wonderful. And after a long discussion she told me that my friends death was not me and my pregnancy. Her pregnancy and delivery would not be my pregnancy and delivery. That I needed to think about the bigger picture and even though her passing was hard and sad and not fair. I needed to concentrate on my health and the health of my baby.
We talked so more. She gave me some information in regards to my friend. I learned a lot that afternoon. Which only make my heart hurt more. But I understood things so much better. I walked away trying to sort through my feelings and work through my loss while trying to accept the new journey I was to take part in. It was a tough thing for me to work through.
Fast forward 7 months. I have done pretty well. Worrying less and enjoying being pregnant more. But suddenly, the other day, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been in true panic mode. I am worrying constantly. What if something happens to me during delivery? What if something happens to the baby? What if she passes away in utero? Will the doctors deliver her early if she stops growing? Will they make the mistake of waiting too long and something happens? What about myself? What if I bleed out? What if I end up dying?.....Dying? Maybe my entire pregnancy being so great and uncomplicated was to get my family ready for me not to be here anymore? I don't know. It sounds crazy. But its how I feel. I have literally been feeling extreme emotions lately. I don't know how to work through it without feeling guilty then sad then happy, then the feeling of nothing. The dead feeling one gets when the emotions of life are just so high that you cannot feel anything more then "dead"
I see my doctor today. I am hoping she will REALLY listen vs. just telling me things will be ok and not to worry. I have been given a lot of advice and though I know everyone means well. Its just not helping. I get angry when no one listens. I get angry when people thing "they know best" I get angry when others take what I feel for granted. Saying things like "this isn't your first. Why are you worrying so much." Just bothers me.
If you talk to me (or for a lot of my friends and family who have all but even called me since finding out) then realize that I am going through a lot more then most of you probably realize right now. This pregnancy comes with a heavy cost of worry and anxiety.
If you think about me today. Say a prayer. Say a prayer that I can stop worrying and enjoy the last few weeks I have being pregnant. There isn't anything more I would love to do then enjoy my last pregnancy moments with baby worry free.
Except, I am not. 33 weeks and all of a sudden the emotions I felt at the beginning of the pregnancy are now full force at the end. I. AM. SCARED.
For those of you who do not know. Back in November a friend of mine had a beautiful baby. She was so blessed after trying for so many years to welcome a new addition to her family. She was completely in love and all she talked about was her excitement and anticipation for the newest arrival. I remember when she told me. It was late in the evening and I got a text from her. IT'S A BOY. I was so happy for her and the family.
Sadly though, what should have been the happiest time of her life slowly turned into the worse time. She grew increasingly sick day after day. It happened almost days after the baby was born. Doctors suspected everything from A to Z but could never pinpoint what she really had. She saw multiple of doctors and by the time Christmas came. She had lost so much weight (more then a new mom really should) she became increasingly pale and all in all she looked extremely tired and run down. I kept encouraging her to see her doctor. But she said that everything was fine and that it was just this and that. I didn't believe her. But didn't push the issue either.
Then one Sunday evening in January I got the call that she had been admitted to the hospital after a series of what was believed to be heart attacks. All I could ask myself was how did this vibrant, young, wonderful person go from being happy and joyful over the birth of her new baby to in the hospital?? I didn't understand. She had undergone numerous surgeries to help her recover from whatever was killing her.
January turned into February. The email I was dreading came in at 5:25 am. She had passed away earlier that morning. The words I read on the screen could not be put into words I was feeling that afternoon. I walked around in a fog. I couldn't understand. I didn't want to understand. How does GOD take away a beautiful, wonderful, vibrant, God loving mom, sister, Aunt, wife away from everyone and everything that loved her? How?
I struggled at her funeral. I missed her. I missed the person she was. The person I wanted and strive still to this day to be like. I wanted her here with us. To watch her children grow. It wasn't fair.
A week after her passing, I found out I was pregnant. The joy was completely over shadowed by the pain and hurt I was feeling loosing my friend. I was in denial. I didn't want to realize that this was happening to me. I barely wanted to tell friends. (and didn't for a very long time) I gained enough courage and life to tell my husband. He saw the pain and hurt in my eyes. The worry. The wondering. The questions that circled. What if? What if? What if? At 33 weeks I am still partially in denial. With a small belly and barely looking pregnant, I tend to forget until someone asks. The guilt alone from feeling that way makes it worse.
I finally managed to make an appointment to see my OB/GYN. I thought as I walked into the office I was together. Joyful. Ready to prove everyone wrong. I was strong, excited, ready to start a new chapter with our family. The girls at the reception desk were happy to see me. Greeting me with a smile. Asking about the other kids. I was ready to go. Until that is, I walked into the office and saw my doctors face. I lost it. Completely. Emotions were spilling on the floor left and right. She looked at me with utter shock. I was always so calm, so happy, so closed off to my emotions. Even with Anabelle. She was stunned to see me so vulnerable. Hell, I was stunned to see myself acting this way. I never cried. Or at least not in front of people other then my husband. Then I laid it all out. How I lost my best friend. And by this time 3 other friends to Cancer. All within weeks of each other. How I was afraid that the loss of my friend meant that it was going to happen to me. The worry for my family, my kids, my husband the new baby. I was a basket case.
She was wonderful. And after a long discussion she told me that my friends death was not me and my pregnancy. Her pregnancy and delivery would not be my pregnancy and delivery. That I needed to think about the bigger picture and even though her passing was hard and sad and not fair. I needed to concentrate on my health and the health of my baby.
We talked so more. She gave me some information in regards to my friend. I learned a lot that afternoon. Which only make my heart hurt more. But I understood things so much better. I walked away trying to sort through my feelings and work through my loss while trying to accept the new journey I was to take part in. It was a tough thing for me to work through.
Fast forward 7 months. I have done pretty well. Worrying less and enjoying being pregnant more. But suddenly, the other day, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been in true panic mode. I am worrying constantly. What if something happens to me during delivery? What if something happens to the baby? What if she passes away in utero? Will the doctors deliver her early if she stops growing? Will they make the mistake of waiting too long and something happens? What about myself? What if I bleed out? What if I end up dying?.....Dying? Maybe my entire pregnancy being so great and uncomplicated was to get my family ready for me not to be here anymore? I don't know. It sounds crazy. But its how I feel. I have literally been feeling extreme emotions lately. I don't know how to work through it without feeling guilty then sad then happy, then the feeling of nothing. The dead feeling one gets when the emotions of life are just so high that you cannot feel anything more then "dead"
I see my doctor today. I am hoping she will REALLY listen vs. just telling me things will be ok and not to worry. I have been given a lot of advice and though I know everyone means well. Its just not helping. I get angry when no one listens. I get angry when people thing "they know best" I get angry when others take what I feel for granted. Saying things like "this isn't your first. Why are you worrying so much." Just bothers me.
If you talk to me (or for a lot of my friends and family who have all but even called me since finding out) then realize that I am going through a lot more then most of you probably realize right now. This pregnancy comes with a heavy cost of worry and anxiety.
If you think about me today. Say a prayer. Say a prayer that I can stop worrying and enjoy the last few weeks I have being pregnant. There isn't anything more I would love to do then enjoy my last pregnancy moments with baby worry free.
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