Tuesday, September 18, 2012


33 weeks. I should be grateful I have made it this far without complications, sickness, flat on my back irritable. 33 weeks and I am still feeling terrific (for the most part) still able to get things done around the house, working, running errands. 33 weeks and baby is doing great. Despite her weight being behind. She is doing pretty wonderful right now.

Except, I am not. 33 weeks and all of a sudden the emotions I felt at the beginning of the pregnancy are now full force at the end. I. AM. SCARED.

For those of you who do not know. Back in November a friend of mine had a beautiful baby. She was so blessed after trying for so many years to welcome a new addition to her family. She was completely in love and all she talked about was her excitement and anticipation for the newest arrival. I remember when she told me. It was late in the evening and I got a text from her. IT'S A BOY. I was so happy for her and the family.

Sadly though, what should have been the happiest time of her life slowly turned into the worse time. She grew increasingly sick day after day. It happened almost days after the baby was born. Doctors suspected everything from A to Z but could never pinpoint what she really had. She saw multiple of doctors and by the time Christmas came. She had lost so much weight (more then a new mom really should) she became increasingly pale and all in all she looked extremely tired and run down. I kept encouraging her to see her doctor. But she said that everything was fine and that it was just this and that. I didn't believe her. But didn't push the issue either.

Then one Sunday evening in January I got the call that she had been admitted to the hospital after a series of what was believed to be heart attacks. All I could ask myself was how did this vibrant, young, wonderful person go from being happy and joyful over the birth of her new baby to in the hospital?? I didn't understand. She had undergone numerous surgeries to help her recover from whatever was killing her.

January turned into February. The email I was dreading came in at 5:25 am. She had passed away earlier that morning. The words I read on the screen could not be put into words I was feeling that afternoon. I walked around in a fog. I couldn't understand. I didn't want to understand. How does GOD take away a beautiful, wonderful, vibrant, God loving mom, sister, Aunt, wife away from everyone and everything that loved her? How?

I struggled at her funeral. I missed her. I missed the person she was. The person I wanted and strive still to this day to be like. I wanted her here with us. To watch her children grow. It wasn't fair.

A week after her passing, I found out I was pregnant. The joy was completely over shadowed by the pain and hurt I was feeling loosing my friend. I was in denial. I didn't want to realize that this was happening to me. I barely wanted to tell friends. (and didn't for a very long time) I gained enough courage and life to tell my husband. He saw the pain and hurt in my eyes. The worry. The wondering. The questions that circled. What if? What if? What if? At 33 weeks I am still partially in denial. With a small belly and barely looking pregnant, I tend to forget until someone asks. The guilt alone from feeling that way makes it worse.

I finally managed to make an appointment to see my OB/GYN. I thought as I walked into the office I was together. Joyful. Ready to prove everyone wrong. I was strong, excited, ready to start a new chapter with our family. The girls at the reception desk were happy to see me. Greeting me with a smile. Asking about the other kids. I was ready to go. Until that is, I walked into the office and saw my doctors face. I lost it. Completely. Emotions were spilling on the floor left and right. She looked at me with utter shock. I was always so calm, so happy, so closed off to my emotions. Even with Anabelle. She was stunned to see me so vulnerable. Hell, I was stunned to see myself acting this way. I never cried. Or at least not in front of people other then my husband. Then I laid it all out. How I lost my best friend. And by this time 3 other friends to Cancer. All within weeks of each other. How I was afraid that the loss of my friend meant that it was going to happen to me. The worry for my family, my kids, my husband the new baby. I was a basket case.

She was wonderful. And after a long discussion she told me that my friends death was not me and my pregnancy. Her pregnancy and delivery would not be my pregnancy and delivery. That I needed to think about the bigger picture and even though her passing was hard and sad and not fair. I needed to concentrate on my health and the health of my baby.

We talked so more. She gave me some information in regards to my friend. I learned a lot that afternoon. Which only make my heart hurt more. But I understood things so much better. I walked away trying to sort through my feelings and work through my loss while trying to accept the new journey I was to take part in. It was a tough thing for me to work through.

Fast forward 7 months. I have done pretty well. Worrying less and enjoying being pregnant more. But suddenly, the other day, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been in true panic mode. I am worrying constantly. What if something happens to me during delivery? What if something happens to the baby? What if she passes away in utero? Will the doctors deliver her early if she stops growing? Will they make the mistake of waiting too long and something happens? What about myself? What if I bleed out? What if I end up dying?.....Dying? Maybe my entire pregnancy being so great and uncomplicated was to get my family ready for me not to be here anymore? I don't know. It sounds crazy. But its how I feel. I have literally been feeling extreme emotions lately. I don't know how to work through it without feeling guilty then sad then happy, then the feeling of nothing. The dead feeling one gets when the emotions of life are just so high that you cannot feel anything more then "dead"

I see my doctor today. I am hoping she will REALLY listen vs. just telling me things will be ok and not to worry.  I have been given a lot of advice and though I know everyone means well. Its just not helping. I get angry when no one listens. I get angry when people thing "they know best" I get angry when others take what I feel for granted. Saying things like "this isn't your first. Why are you worrying so much." Just bothers me.

If you talk to me (or for a lot of my friends and family who have all but even called me since finding out) then realize that I am going through a lot more then most of you probably realize right now. This pregnancy comes with a heavy cost of worry and anxiety.

If you think about me today. Say a prayer. Say a prayer that I can stop worrying and enjoy the last few weeks I have being pregnant. There isn't anything more I would love to do then enjoy my last pregnancy moments with baby worry free.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Kiley! Those are hard feelings to have and work through. I had similar feelings when pregnant with Kaitlynn, and they were hard to work through. Sending you positive thoughts.