Sunday, July 1, 2012

When the Spoken Word Means more then you Think

**Disclosure. This is not meant for any of my blog readers to feel bad about who they are. I just felt that it was time to pull the covers up off my head and let others know how I am feeling inside. I cannot always let things not bother me and at 32 years old. I shouldn't have to hide it either. So this is the real me. Thanks for reading and most importantly, if you want to talk more about anything read. I am ready and willing to listen. The last thing I want to do is go through life without those whom I care about it my life.

My husband said to me a few months back in the heat of the moment (you know, when both of you are so frustrated and angry that you will say or do just about anything to make the situation just go away) “DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THE REASON IS YOU” He tried to take it back, still to this day he tries, but words hurt. More then the physical pain sometimes. Bruises and bumps eventually go away, but words, they stick with you forever. You know, the kind that sticks in your brain like a piece of kernel that has made a home in the back of your teeth. You know, the one that you pick at, and pick at and pick at for days. Except, instead of it being a piece of stubborn popcorn kernel, its a simple sentence that too him might have just been words. But too you, it has opened up a entirely new can of worms. I have sat and pondered this small sentence over and over and over again for months. “THE REASON IS YOU” I have looked at it from every possible angle. Sliced and diced. Blamed it on others, tried to find another meaning behind it. In the end though, it has to be me. I cannot at any point in the last 20 years find any other reason for it NOT to be me.

 Reason 1

Friendships growing up was tough. I was picked on physically and verbally. I tried hard to make friends, but never quit fit in. I blamed it on the school, the environment, the lack of education on most of my towns older generation. Blamed it on the school system itself. Peer pressure, the kids I grew up with. Small community, you name it. Once though did I stop and think “THE REASON IS YOU”

 Reason 2

I was 19, young, impressionable. Most of all, excited as hell to leave my small community. To leave behind the same group of kids I spend nearly half my life trying to run away from. I moved away. 35O miles to be exact. Left for the big city. Boston. I was Excited. Nervous. Though never scared. I needed, wanted, craved the change. I finally had it. FREEDOM. Freedom to be me, to speak my mind, to make friends that didn't know a single thing about me. And the best part, I did. I met some wonderful friends. People who loved me for me. Who walked with me, talked with me, invited me places to go. Then it stopped. I met a guy. Fell in love. Bam. It was gone!. Just like that. I didn't know how to be “FRIENDS” with other people. Mostly girls. I grew up hanging out with boys. Spending my days with boys. It was easier, comfortable. I fit in. Girls though. I just didn't know where I belonged. So when I found the guy (whom I am married too now) it felt right. Comfortable. Settled. It took me years and the loss of some very close friends. One being my daughter's Godmother. I was picked over. Washed away. It didn't matter. Parties would happen. I was chosen over others. To my face. It hurt. I never once said “THE REASON IS YOU” I wish I had. Maybe things would be different.

 Reason 3

I was 22. Pregnant. Unmarried. Though with the same gentleman I laid my eyes on when I first moved to Boston. We were in love. Though it was rough. Hardest time of my life. His family despised me. They called me trailer trash and slut. They felt I got pregnant to keep the boy. Of course, NONE OF THIS WAS TRUE. Words hurt. Hurt me. I had little support, little hope and very little friends. They tried, I tried. But I caused a lot of anger and hostility toward a lot of people. I tried to make peace. I wanted too. I was desperate for “what was” but just didn't know how. My husbands family worked hard, I thought I was. In the end, I should have asked myself the question “THE REASON IS YOU”

Reason 4

My oldest was 4 months. I was kicked out of the house. Husband's family didn't want me there anymore. I was hurt. Angry. Frustrated. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do? What more could I have done? Did I say the wrong thing? Did I do too little? Too Much? It was a hopeless cause really. I fell into a deep depression. The pain hurt. I was a new Mom to a new baby with no one to turn too and felt very alone. Again I should have said “THE REASON IS YOU”

Reason 5

Husband's mom was in the hospital. On her last breath. She wanted to see me. ME! I kept saying this over and over again to Hubby. “SHE WANTS TO SEE ME?” I wanted to make sure I heard this right. I walked in. She asked me about my family. I told her they were fine. I gave her a hug, told her I loved her son more then anything. She knew. She saw. She understood. She forgave. It felt good. It felt wonderful. I miss her. Father-in-Law was angry. Family was angry. The blamed me for her death. I wonder sometimes. “THE REASON IS YOU”

 Reason 6

 I was blessed. A new baby. So soon after Husband's passing. I was in awe. Though scared. Months later testing confirmed my worse fears. Trisomy 18. I could not believe it. I was loosing a baby. 24 years old. In less then a year from losing Husband's mother. WHY!! What did I do? What did I say? Was GOD punishing me? Husband's family blamed me. She died because of me. “THE REASON IS YOU”

Reason 7

 Eight years later, things have seemed to get worse then better. I imagined myself with friendships and special friends for my kiddos. People I can love and lean on. Friends that will be there no matter what. Friends have come and gone. Both for myself and for my children. Dreams have come and gone. I have had the greatest of UP's and the lowest of LOW's. I try hard to be friendly, honest, there for anyone who needs a helping hand. Yet, I am left out. I watch friends inviting friends to events and sleepovers. To parties and get together. It hurts. My kids are forgotten about for sleepovers, birthday parties, and family events. I talk and annualized over everything I did or say. I wonder and question. I look for inner meaning. I want answers but never get them. What did I do? Say? Could I have changed the siltation? Could I have made things different? I come home from events and spend the next 2 hours wondering and worrying I did, said, or acting the wrong way. Were my kids behaved? What could have been different? Said different? “THE REASON IS YOU”

Reason 8

 and beyond I am 32 years old. I am a mom of 6 soon to be 7. I have feelings just like you. I hate to be left out, brushed aside. Made to feel like you can stomp on me, hurt, me leave me left hanging. I wish sometimes others would tell me what I did that was wrong, rather then leaving me behind. My kids ask me all the time why they don't see their friends. I hurt for them. I am sad for them. I am sad for me. I ask myself this question all the time. I am not perfect. I am me. I am Kiley.


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