Title says it all, well for me at least. One week from today we will celebrating our little Anabelle's 6th birthday. I find this year especially hard. I think because all my kiddos would be here, I would be happy that our family was finally complete. four girls and two boys. Even numbers all around. And if you know me well, you know I have always had issues with numbers. I guess that's the OCD in me. Honestly though, I couldn't ask for anything more. Six beautiful, happy, healthy, smart, thriving kiddos.
As we know though, that isn't the case. Her birthday will come and go. Some will remember, but most wont. They were their for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or a ear to ramble into. Over the years they have dwindled more and more. And after 6 years they have nearly forgotten. Its just a day for them. A holiday really. Day off from work, from school. A day to enjoy your family, friends, lunch together. But for me, this day represents so much more. I usually get a phone call and a card from my sister. I love that she remembers, and wish more people would. To me, I shared a special gift with you that day she was born, and the 19 days she spend in the hospital. I allowed you to take a glimpse into my already rocky life and become a part of it. So its hard for me that you forget.
Birthday's that I don't get to have. Pictures of her that show how much she has grown and changed every year will not be. Christmas will be like all the others. Someone will always be missing. Though I wear her picture to remind me and those around that she still is with us.
It's hard. I struggle. I look at all those who have had "second" children and find myself jealous sometimes. Jealous that they didn't have to go through the pain, the agony the hurt. Struggle that they don't know the year long hell that Jason and I lived in. Struggle that even though sometimes I am jealous, I wish this never happens to someone else.
In a weeks time, I will celebrate her life. Not her death. For me, her 30 days with us was far more precious then her 6 years of time gone. So please, if you could remember her and that moment you met her sweet face in the hospital. Because if you really loved her, then every year should be just as important.
Mommy, Daddy and Anabelle (3 days old)